Schemes, Love, Nothing Works
by 805headache
Summary: Robbie just can't fix things sometimes


**This fanfic was left on my boyfriend's file drop to be uploaded by Thanksgiving. There's a few like this to be uploaded by a certain time. He's feeling ill, so I'm posting through his account on his behalf. Neither of us own Lazytown. Know this and read on.**

"Avast, ye wee buccaneers! If it's real treasure ye be seeking, ye best be sailing under the flag of Rotten Beard the pirate, scourge of the… several seas. Yar!"

Robbie had showed up to the play park dressed as a certain pirate, under the intention of ridding the town of Sportacus via a scrawl on stone. He's dressed in full pirate garb, including an eye patch and a beard. He rides down the street on a specially-made raft with wheels, a full sail and a pirate flag with periscope crossbones on Robbie sets his mind to something, he goes all out. Trixie, or Pigtails the troublemaker as Robbie sees her, is the first to go along with the plan.

She and the other kids have been having fun playing pirate. They're all brandishing balloon swords. Stephanie - or Pink Girl, as Robbie logically sees her - is dressed in full pink pirate attire. The kids introduce themselves to Rottenbeard, as Stephanie the Pink and Trixie the Tough. The others add on, but Robbie stops paying attention. He requests their help to find the lost Lazytown treasure, something the kids are all for. Pigtails snatches away the map and points out where said treasure must be.

"Aaarr! I knew you'd make a worthy crew the minute I laid eyes on you!"

She beams with pride at that complimentary nugget, and a small bout in Robbie's stomach alights. He swallows it away, moving on with his scheme. He passes out mops to Pigtails and Stinky - Robbie's alias for Stingy, due to his refusal of manual labor - to 'swab the deck' as they travel across town in search of the 'x'. Stephanie takes control of the map, while Zippy - Robbie's ideal name for Ziggy, due to him being the most energetic of the children - takes the wheel.

Of course, the six-year-old isn't actually steering the "ship". Rather, it's being controlled by an off-setting strand of magic. Shovels are passed out before too long, the ship coming to a rest. All the kids - especially Stinky after reminded of the possible gold - are eager to dig around the approximate land for their town's treasure chest. Finally spotting it, the kids pull the chest out from the ground. Tepidly, Trixie opens the lid. Stephanie pulls out the fragment. Excitedly, she breaks character to run off and alert Sportacus.

"Good idea! You go do that…" Robbie agrees with less excitement. When she's out of hearing range, he lowers his voice just above a whisper and allows a small grin to appear on his face. "Sucker…"

Later, after the mayor places the piece of stone into the base, and Sportacus reads off the decree that Lazytown should always be lazy, Robbie is ecstatic. The kids' faces fall, but Robbie doesn't let that stop him. Pink Girl walks off dejected when she realizes she can't dance by risk of breaking the law. When Sportacus starts to flip after her, Robbie is quick to ward him away from the activity.

A couple days pass by, and Robbie grins at his genius. He eats his cake and catches up on sleep - at least a few hours more than normal. He doesn't hear much from the surface and, after about forty-nine hours, it begins to make him uncomfortable. It makes him paranoid. Living the way he did at home, Robbie has always been wary of absolute silence. While getting some extra sleep, he's awakened by digging from the surface. Cause of paranoia thrown aside, Robbie hastily poofs on his Rottenbeard outfit, resettling his appearance since it's thrown askew.

"Avast!" Robbie poofs to the middle of town, skidding in front of the kids. "What do you sea pups think ye be doing?"

"Digging up another treasure." Pink Girl states in a matter of fact tone of voice.

"Arr, sorry. That would be impossible."

"Why?" Zippy innocently asks.

Robbie feels a switch come on inside him. He thinks about another way to sabotage the town and Sportacus within.

"Because you can't find a treasure when you're tied to a tree."

Using a bit of magic, Robbie slows down time to corral the kids. He ties Pink Girl, Zippy, Pigtails and Stinky to a tree with enchanted rope. The Lazytown history book the kids had with them lies at Pigtails' feet. Robbie bites his bottom lip but leaves it there. Stingy complains about Rottenbeard stealing his treasure, and Sportacus breaks Lazytown Lazy Law by flipping atop the chest.

Robbie grabs Zippy's balloon sword, infusing it with a slight amount of magic for it not to burst. Robbie whips his cutlass around like an actual sword, gesturing to Sportacus for a duel. Intrigued, as though it were a big game, Sporty pulls a badminton racquet from his backpack. The two go at it like a real pirate fight, and Robbie denies all feelings of having fun, reminiscent of pretend play with his older brother growing up.

They disarm each other, and Robbie feels proud for a moment. They pace around one another, weaponless, with the kids cheering on Sportacus. Robbie feels a twinge of self-deprecation and is distracted by it when the slightly above average hero gives Robbie a little nudge. The taller man staggers and falls head-first into the second hole the children had dug earlier. Robbie comes up a few moments later with his disguise askew, and the magic wearing off. He rubs his bruised noggin with a scowl stitched on his face.

"Ow. When is Milford going to fix all these holes?"

"Robbie Rotten!" The kids exclaim in surprise, and the ropes loosen ever so much.

"Duh." He rolls his eyes.

"I _knew_ there was something fishy about that pirate!" Pink Girl shakes her head, still tied to the tree.

Sportacus unties the children as they continue pointing out indescrepancies on Robbie's plan to steal their treasure. He opens the chest and removes the real missing piece of the Lazytown Stone. Reading the true message, Sportacus reveals that the stone reads, 'Lazytown should always be happy.'

"Now, _that's_ a good idea!" Sportacus grins.

"Easy for _you_ to say."

Pink Girl frowns. "What's the matter, Robbie? Haven't you ever been happy? First thing you gotta do is smile."

Robbie sighs bitterly, ripping off his eyepatch, beard and hat. "Smile?"

With the kids running off to play with Sportacus under the _new_ Lazytown law, Robbie growls bitingly to himself. He hasn't been happy since he was very, very young. He hides behind a wall when the others look away. He poofs himself to the bunker, into his orange chair with some sugary ice cream for comfort.


End file.
